Bitter Grounds Magazine

espresso fueled ramblings

Written by catpaw

September 17, 2019

Meet a grammar assassin’s phishing fail

A customer just sent me this phishing attempt they received via email. I’ve blocked out what they wrote along with the 6 lines of cc: email addresses for obvious reasons:

Screen capture of a badly constructed phishing attempt by a spamer

Not sure if they should be arrested for phishing scams or the egregious use of upper-case letters.

It is eye-wateringly bad.  Oh James, James, James! This is what happens when you don’t pay attention in class. You end up spending your life writing unreadable phishing scams and living in a cardboard box, wondering why no one is taking you seriously.  I don’t understand the wretched use of upper-case letters. What did the alphabet do to deserve this level of abuse from you? And don’t get me started on the basic construction of the email.

James’s phishing scam examined

Hi, This Is James Tyron,  From PC CARE  SOLUTION And The Reason You Are Receiving This Email Because We Will Like To Inform You That The Services Which You Have Signed Up With Us Has Been Expired.

So, The Services Will Be Automatically Renewed In 2 Days And The Renewal Charges Will Bei599.00$(USD) For Lifetime Technical Support Contract And It Will Automatically Debited From Your Account Because You Have Signed A Contract With PC CARE  SOLUTION For The Auto Renewal Contract However,  If You Dont want To Continue With Our Services Then You Can Call On Our Customer Helpline Number:+1 (321) 351 6089

This Is Our Cancellation Department’s Number And Ask For (James Tyron) PC CARE SOLUTION  To Cancel The Services And after That You Need To Fill Up A Cancellation Form In Order For The Services To Get Cancelled and We Will Like To Inform You That The Services Which You Have Signed Up For The Computer Protection.

I Hope You Remember That You Called Us when You Were Facing Problem And Errors in Your computer And Printer And Fixed That Problem And You Paid Us Certain Amount And The Invoice Of That Contract Was sent To Your Email.So Kindly Call Us On +! (321) 351 6089  If You Wish To Cancel The Contract Otherwise The Contract Will Be Renewed Automatically and The Money Will Be Debited From Your Account.

THANK YOU,

REGARDS,

PC CARE SOLUTION

The only thing missing in this letter was a huge neon banner reading “THIS IS A SCAM”. I broke the message up a bit to improve readability, but it didn’t really help. I struggled to read your message James. But I tried, I really did. I wanted to take you seriously, but my god man! If you want to defraud little old ladies here, work on your basic sentence construction. And please, remember, Google Translate is not your friend.

A little advice for you James

Let me help you out James. Here’s some free advice, just for you. Start a crowdfunding campaign to purchase a basic English primer. Amazon carries an extensive selection. Start with English for Dummies and work your way towards slightly more complex ideas like, when to use upper case letters.  It’s a tough business you picked. Defrauding people requires a bit of effort, and clearly you haven’t put any in. You might want to consider hiring a career coach. They could offer invaluable advice on job options you are better suited for.

Time for a career coach

Look James, at least master the basics of blind carbon copy before diving into the criminal pool. Save yourself the embarrassment. Or better yet, try a job at MacDonald’s. I’m sure the abuse piled on you as a Micky D employee will be far less than the ridicule you’re receiving for this laughably bad phishing attempt. Plus, you will get a pay cheque in return.  You can have a couple cold cheeseburgers at the end of your shift.  A win-win situation.

What I’m trying to tell you James is … well … you just don’t have what it takes to be a criminal mastermind. I’m not sure you have what it takes for MacDonald’s but give it try.

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